August 2018 marks a decade of my awakening, or shall I say my reawakening. We are all born conscious and remain so for a couple of years. How it is encouraged and continued to allow to grow, depends on each of us individually. What our parents teach us, allow us to believe, our culture, and our societal surroundings.
I always knew that there were Spirits around, I have vivid memories of experiences seeing Spirits through my bedroom windows from as little as 5-7 years old. It was a feeling of always being watched. I never mentioned this to anyone, I’m not quite sure why not. It didn’t frighten me, and I didn’t think it was unusual. I think I just felt that everyone was seeing the same thing that I was.
I grew up in a Christian household, and no one in my family ever talked about spirituality as an extension of religion ~ within my immediate family or extended family. So, my understanding of Spirits did not expand.
The day of my reawakening plays vividly in my mind. I was dropping off my husband at the Ontario Airport as he was heading off on a business trip. I pulled up to the departure gates, turned off the car as he leaned over to give me a goodbye kiss and said, “I’ll miss you, see you tomorrow.”
Dread washed over me. I didn’t want him to come back. I wanted this short trip to be longer. “Tomorrow, really??”
I drove away from the terminal. This feeling caught me off guard, we were not in a fight, he rarely traveled.
“Why? Why did I feel this way? I love my husband. I should be happy that he’s coming back tomorrow.” These questions were like a skipping record within my mind.
“This… this is not good.”
In the following moments I did something that was truly divinely guided.
I turned off the radio and went within.
I had never tuned in or gone within before. I didn’t consciously know what that meant. But I was doing it.
Sure, I’ve prayed lots and lots of times, but this was different. With the radio off, I began to work on quieting my mind, tried to find some clarity as I made the short drive back to our home in Corona.
“I love my husband, why do I feel this?”
Within the next few moments I heard, “You are not IN love with him. You love him, but you are not IN love with him.”
I was in complete shock and traumatized.
I instantly knew I was hearing the truth. It was ringing within my head with purity and clarity.
“How could this be? Why is this happening to me after everything I’ve been through in my life? I deserve happiness, and this was my happiness! I deserve the fairy tale ending!!”
For the next six months I drew more and more inward, inside a personal, invisible cocoon. I told no one of my misery, of my revelation, keeping it completely within myself.
I knew my marriage was over because I knew that I could not go back and pretend I wasn’t feeling all the things that were bubbling up. I was noticing all the things that I had been repressing for the last ten years. I began to see how I had not been living the life I wanted. I was not able to express my thoughts, feelings and opinions freely. I was not able to use my voice.
And I knew that within the marriage that would never change. He would want me to stay the same and I could not be who I was before. I knew without a doubt that I could not forget that I now was seeing all my unhappiness, I thought about it, but all it ever did was make me sadder and more miserable.
I felt like I was dying inside and staying would lead to certain death.
I was soon divinely guided to my first spiritual counselor/mentor who guided me along our separation and divorce, bringing peace within me to understand what was happening with me, my intuition beginning to bud and finding clarity in my precognitive dreams. Teaching me how to use my voice and to no longer apologize for my feelings, thoughts and opinions.
I began teaching myself how to meditate by sitting on my bed at night and envisioning myself sitting at the beach, with a sparkly golden light moving from the top of my head up into the universe. Asking Spirit questions and beginning to receive answers through visions and hearing within my mind.
Working on my chakras and seeing them as if in another body, rotating counter clockwise and barely visible, because I was so far outside of my body.
I learned that pennies are a true sign from Spirit. Whenever I get anxious or stressed about a situation, I find a penny, or have a vision of a penny. It’s an opportunity for me to trust that the situation may not turn out the way I want, or maybe it will, but to always trust the process because everything is happening in the highest good possible.
Just after my divorce, my Mom’s friend said she waited seven years before getting remarried and I was appalled. I would die. Literally. What would people think of me? There would be something truly wrong with me if it was going to take that long for someone to love me.
The fear of being alone, sent me into an array of unhealthy relationships playing out with a family therapist who wanted the label of “friends” but wanted everything more, too fearful to leave his loveless marriage (he claimed to be separated at the time we were dating).
Sharing delicious kisses and extraordinary passion with a surfing hunk, believing that what we shared would keep him from straying; when his words and actions said everything but staying true.
A friendship that tried to blossom into more, that had everything going for it but the deep, true love we both desired.
To online dating mishaps of knowing the second the man drove into the parking lot it was not meant to be. And allowing enticing, beautiful words, poems and songs to overshadow all the red flags of a neatly tied up conman’s lies.
Finding a connection that flared me up on the inside. Remembrance of a soul, deep love and connection forming so fast, so quickly. The one I didn’t let myself see to look for. Timing isn’t always what we want it to be, and there are times when you must detach from what you love the most to heal.
To eight years post~divorce, being in such a peaceful place that absolutely I would love to be married, but…
I’d much rather be on my own than in something that is anything but loving, compassionate and healthy.
I am grateful for this time in learning more about myself and healing the old wounds of self-esteem issues and co-dependency that was riddled within me.
Hearing that I am a healer by many people in the beginning of my journey, and not even knowing what a healer was. To discovering and growing my own business for the past five years.
Realizing how much we create our reality when I magically manifested a free trip to Paris and Disneyland Paris after just a month prior telling Spirit that I wanted to go on vacation and to Disneyland… it had been awhile.
Working hard and achieving a healthy, fit body; a healthy meditation and processing practice, when love asked for me only to suddenly turn and walk away; and a mentor/friend became one of my biggest teachers by empowering me with the lesson of equality and self~value, only to show me that she could only see me as beneath her. Unconsciously letting everything I achieved unravel by gaining weight, stopping exercise and barely having any type of meditation and processing practice, unloving myself for over a year. Finally allowing myself to see the deepness of self~love and how to ensure I never lose the grasp again.
Seeing, realizing and finally fully moving towards my life purpose, my passion in helping others along their path. Bringing clarity, empowerment, and healing to their journey, so that they may live a life of peace, inner happiness and self~love.
The past decade has shown me what a gift time is. Every day that passes, time gives me the opportunity to learn more about myself. Every moment there is a choice. A choice to make a different choice than I did a moment before. To move. To grow and evolve in a way that is for my highest good and fulfills my soul.
I don’t regret a single moment from my past. Sure, I wish I would have made different choices in pivotal moments, but each choice I made, I learned a lesson. Regretting only negates the lesson I learned. And I value each lesson. I honor them.
I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times when I get frustrated by the process, when I think I should be farther along than I am or be finished healing with a person or experience. I quickly remember that just this feeling alone is showing me a broader expansion/viewpoint is possible and deeper healing is on the horizon.
Someone once asked me what has kept me going, what has kept me moving forward, pushing through each difficult moment, each difficult phase. Those moments of crying hysterically on my couch or my bed, not quite sure how I would ever make it though.
No matter what I’ve gone through, in my darkest of moments, I’ve always had Faith shining it’s bright, beautiful light telling me everything is going to be magical. I’m grateful.