Waking up from another night’s sleep, my eyes began to flutter open. Feeling somewhat in a daze at first until the slight sting of pain began coming back into my heart. I shut my eyes once again, not really wanting to feel, hoping that it would magically go away. But I knew within my core that at some point it all becomes inevitable.
Feeling.
We either allow ourselves to feel in the moment or we lock it up until it eventually erupts like a volcano and the heartbreak all comes flooding in like Niagara Falls. This one was a love, the two before cherished friendships. That’s just in the past year. I opened my eyes, laying motionless in my bed.
As my eyes began drowning in the fleur-de-lis type design in my curtains, I began to wonder why so many people in my life simply just walk away… literally fading away with the sunset. My ego could have a field day with this one: “I’m a terrible person,” “I’m unlovable,” “I’m not a true friend or lover,” “There’s someone better out there for them.” But I chose to reel it in and look at the truth. The truth for me. Each of them has their own reasons, they have their own process to move through.
I needed to know what mirror reflections they were for me or what shadow aspects in me they were representing. It’s true that while on the spiritual journey people can come in just for a specific reason and leave your life. There’s a deeper healing that can take place however. In knowing the root issue for me, I could break the pattern of it being a merry-go-round experience in my life.
I was in gratitude for my journey up to this point, because I have learned A LOT. I have learned how to navigate and process through the pain, I’ve learned how to detach but still feel, reel in my power, and most importantly how to surrender to what Spirit feels is for my highest good. I’m in a much better place than ever. For that I am eternally grateful.
I took my deep healing to a park nearby and found a tree to sit under and allowed myself to go within. I opened up to feel the pain of my heart. Saying my mantra “I allow myself to see the truth in all situations,” and calling in my higher self and guides to help me along the process.
I saw images of myself after I realized I was not in love with my ex-husband. Eight years ago to be exact. I was devastated in those moments. Remember when in “Eat, Pray, Love” Elizabeth Gilbert describes herself laying on the floor crying when her marriage was over? That was me… just a few years later and I didn’t even know about Elizabeth Gilbert then.
After those moments of realization, I saw how I had hurled within myself like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Withdrawing from my ex-husband, kids, family, friends, and life – but mostly, I withdrew from myself.
I completely abandoned myself. Flew out of my shell to some far off faerie land.
I felt empty, hollow and like an empty sack on the ground. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know what I liked about myself if anything at all. I didn’t love myself. To be honest, I had walked away from myself years before. I was hopeless and fresh out of any type of faith that I would ever be able to pick up the shattered pieces of me and become whole again. Leaving my true self behind in the dust. Because I didn’t want to feel.
I didn’t emerge for six months. And that only came because my ex-husband begged for some answers. Gratefully, my higher self and guides turned on the lights and began helping me find my way. The way to my myself and my awakening.
As I sat under the shade of the tree, wind blowing through my hair and sun gently kissing my cheeks, I was able to see that there are times that we wish to protect the heart. Protect it from the pain, hurt, sadness and brokenness that we have felt in the past and are currently feeling. That in those moments we might feel that running away or abandoning ourselves or others is the easiest thing to do. Because maybe then… just maybe we don’t have to feel.
But feeling is important. Happiness, joy, elation are important. Just as excitement and passion. To honor those feelings, we must also honor the not so pleasant feelings. And until we allow ourselves to heal those aspects without repressing them, we will more than likely push away a chance to feel again. Too afraid to take the chance to risk all of that all over again. And in pushing ourselves away we are more than likely pushing others away, and pushing our life away.
The next step is also important, taking our power back from the person and/or experience so that we are not allowing it control over us. When we take our power back our lives don’t need to spiral out of control. We have control as we are navigating our way through the healing process. Then we can begin linking to any childhood experience, or past life occurrence that is needing to be healed. Asking yourself these questions:
So where is it that needs to be loved within myself?
Where do I need to show up for myself?
We often forget that we have gained a gift from the experience. That gift is a valuable lesson in which the experience was meant to bring us. Going within and finding that lesson, for it is what your soul came here to learn. Give gratitude for that lesson.
Understanding that we came to the Earth plane to learn to love. To learn to love ourselves as well as others. Knowing… and truly believing that we are worthy. We are deserving of love. Then allow yourself to believe, to truly feel the love of your higher self, guides, God, Goddess, all that is.
There are times when people and/or experiences shake you to the core. The rawness of stripped down, bare naked emptiness comes over you. But there is always a choice. Always a choice to stand up, brush yourself off, be there for yourself full of self-love and gratitude. For you are a divine being, one with source, one of love.
Surrounded in a circle with my inner child, adolescent, higher self and healing guides I made a promise to myself to never abandon myself again. To always be there for myself, listening, honoring and loving myself and what I’m needing.
Here are some affirmations that have helped me with this process and hopefully can be of help to you:
I am always here for myself.
Spirit is always with me.
I am my own best friend.
I love myself.
