For many years I dreaded the question. That question that inevitably comes through the mouths of those curious minds when you have been single for a while… or many years as I have.
“So, are you dating anyone?”
I delighted in those few moments along the years when I could joyfully answer, “Yes I am!” Those moments never lasted long and so most of the time I would plan and practice my answer so as not to sound defeated, different or incompetent.
So many nights that I would cry for hours when my kids weren’t with me and I had no plans and I was all alone. I hated being alone.
Because we’re raised and live in a society that leads us to believe that if we’re not in a relationship, if we can’t find someone, then something is obviously wrong with us. Clearly this must be the truth because someone not wanting to be in our life must mean that we are untouchable, we are unlovable.
So much of myself was built around this belief that I turned myself over and gave everything of myself to find someone, just anyone. Please, someone just love me.
I became so hastily in pursuit of this someone that I jumped full throttle, both feet in without giving myself a moment to breathe, to feel, sense and understand what was happening around me. In the beginning so eager that someone was actually paying attention to me… can you believe it?? To me!!
I would forget what I wanted to stand up for in myself and how I wanted to be within a relationship because I was so excited to be noticed, to be somewhat pursued ~ even in the most of minimal ways ~ and so suddenly, there I would be standing knee deep in something that had no depth, no real meaning, and no foundation.
Along the moments, abandonment kept rearing its ugly head. Sudden silence on the other end, sudden endings of relationships with true reasoning left unsaid. I found this beginning to circle around in jobs, friendships, as well as the romantic relationships. That’s when I really began to question myself.
What’s happening and why the hell can’t I get this right?
So many other people don’t seem to be having the same issues as I am. Easily staying in a relationship, or quickly in the blink of an eye finding themselves easily and effortlessly in the arms of someone new.
When friendships began dwindling ~ the newfound ones, the rekindled ones and the ones I thought would be around forever ~ I began to really take a long hard deep look within myself. It’s not always fun to look at the dark shadows within the self.
I’m grateful for what I have learned along my spiritual journey, my soul awakening. To bring me to an understanding, surrender and want to have clarity within my life of who I am and where I am wanting to evolve more in my body, mind, soul and heart.
Foundations and healthy boundaries are important in any relationship that is being established. Whether a parent, sibling, friend, co-worker or romantic partner. If there is no understood dynamic of who each of you are, what you stand for, and what it is that you are wanting then you cannot move forward.
I found that I never truly allowed myself a moment to breathe, a moment to hear what was being said by the other person, a moment to see if an action was going to meet up to the words being uttered. A moment to tune into how I was feeling as things were being said, whether they were belittling, triggering, projected, angry words, or sweet, loving words. A moment to tune into a ping in my gut as my intuition was screaming for me to pay attention to a red flag that was waving furiously within my face.
A moment to speak the words that were within my head that I was too afraid to say because I was too afraid someone might leave me. I was too afraid to be alone.
In my moments of being single, of being alone, I have learned to be comfortable with myself. I have learned to know what it is that I am wanting in friendships and a romantic companion, and how I want to be treated, and how I treat others, is the same no matter the title of the relationship.
I have learned to speak up for myself and to show all aspects of myself, no hiding, no quivering because I know that if I do, it’ll never work. I’m just gonna come bursting out anyways. I’ve learned to listen, to allow the actions to show up. To allow the breaths to give myself space.
I no longer fear not being in a relationship, I no longer fear being with myself. I learned that I’d much rather be with myself than in an unhealthy relationship that isn’t going anywhere.
Most importantly I have learned to like myself, to love myself unconditionally.
Absolutely I am wanting to bring loving, healthy relationships into my life. I am wanting to share my life with a partner who honors, respects and loves me just as I do him. Who understands that building a foundation is important and is willing to take the time to do so, because after all, we’re wanting to spend the rest of our lives together… and that will take some moments in time.
*I took this picture on Kalama Beach in Maui. I went to the beach that day to do a healing ceremony to bring in deep love within myself and a romantic partner. These two heart shaped rocks were just sitting there, a gift from the Universe, waiting for me.